Posted by: txaggiechick | May 8, 2008

Weird Flashbacks

You know. A long drive on an empty South texas road is not conducive to zoning out and not thinking about anything… well at least not for me. Apparently I can’t create the nothing box at will and just crawl inside and think about nothing at all. Nope. Not me. Instead I have the most random thoughts that seem to scatter like a bunch of fireworks on the 4th of July. For example, I started out thinking about one of my memories with Julie (whom I was having dinner with tonight for her birthday on my drive home). You see there was once a day when we were in Brenham as children where we watched Aunt Janice putting on makeup and couldn’t wait for the day when we too would be grown up enough to wear makeup. Of course the irony is that today, neither one of us will wear makeup unless we absolutely have to and then it’s the least amount of makeup we can scrounge up to make us look decent.

Follow this flashback thought up to, just what the hell am I going to get my mother for Mother’s Day when she goes out two days before and buys herself her own present! Grrr. Incorrigible. So now I’m at a loss as to what to get her. Since I realized I was at a dead end there, my ever weaving mind decided to float into the realm of how should I have told a friend of mine that I would have rather cleaned up excess water from a broken water pump than going out drinking and dancing with other friends? Realizing that I should probably just let him be and have him forgive me for freaking out on him, the mind meandered into another realm… most notably the realm shall ever be named, grass is greener.

Now here I landed for quite some time to ponder… just how often do people wish that their lives were different? If you are me, you dream about a day that you have a routine. I dream about having a little house and a puppy with a set routine to allow me to see friends and have a work life balance without flying all over the world. If you’re another friend of mine, you dream about having it all put together. The mrs energy who bakes, cooks, cleans, raises 4 kids, blogs, and just appears to have it all together. Ironically enough though, I wonder… do they really have the good life or is it just a perception of a better ideal that we pursue? Would I really be happier if I ‘settled’? I’m happy now. Would I be happier if I had a man, puppy, house, and all those things a woman SHOULD want? Am I willing to risk what I know for what I don’t? Is a friend of mine right when he says I should have multiple boyfriends in all of my cities? No. I know that’s not me. I’m not geared that way. But then why again is it sooo hard to meet just one that I really genuinely like? After all those endless hours of conversation and dating and meeting new men in all sorts of areas of the world… why’s it so hard to meet the right one? What would the right one be like? Who would he be? Oh there’s a pretty house, I interject in the middle of my quandary. Then the mind decides to go into another direction entirely… where am I going to go on vacation? Mexico immediately jumps to mind. Then maybe Australia again. Or some place different. Some place I’ve never experienced… Montana… Wyoming…. backpacking in CO. Motorcycling in Nevada…Hang gliding in Arizona. Then loop back like a bunch of dejavu to who would I go with? who wants to go with me? I’ll invite tons of people and see who’s around… It’ll be an adventure. carpe diem.

Then there’s the whole house decision. Should I live in Austin? Dallas? Where is my growth potential? Gee I’ve got to find a place and soon. Should I buy a house in the pretty town with lots of outdoor activities, tons of married friends with kids, and the current job? Should I buy the house in a thriving cultural area that has access to sporting events, lots and lots of single friends where potential to meet more great people is imminent, and better access to an international airport for the current job… with potential for upswing of job market in the future. Oh the pressure. Decisions swimming and no one that I trust to really let all of this go… so I continue to drive southbound 35 and ponder… who am it? what do I want? What should I do? What makes me happy? At least I know one thing. I want a lab puppy. See! Progress!

Now you see why I’m completely unable to have a nothing box. I know. I’m crazy. I embrace the zany inside of me. Makes me special and loveable.

Here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I’ve ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
And I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t waistin no more time…
Here I go again!

Watch out world… I’m coming for ya!

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