Posted by: txaggiechick | September 7, 2008

Lack of focus?

So you all know that recently I’ve been undergoing a few changes to facilitate finding myself. Through this process, I have learned a lot. It is afterall about the journey. And that journey is no where near its completion. But I have had one startlingly realization. I have no clue who I am. Or what I truly like. But I do have a very good idea of who I want to be (Finally a glimmer of light/hope). It’s a weird theme. I’ve actually discovered that there are two significant images that I have held in my mind my entire life and I’m working on getting rid of them.

In reading the backinskinnyjeans blog, I realize that I’m not alone in this overpowering feeling of not being good enough. It also explains why I have made certain decisions that until this point I wasn’t aware what the root cause of that decision was. But now it’s actually becoming clear. For example, why do I go for the guys that I’m attracted to? Why do I gain weight? Why do I throw myself blindly into my work? Why don’t I feel like I have a distinct style? I won’t reveal all of the secrets in here because it’s been a pretty painful discovery process. But I’ll tell you what. it’s working. I’m going to continue taking time out from friends, obligations that I don’t really understand how I got into them at the first place, and continue with the hypnosis. I’m going to focus solely on the diet, physical activity, and spending time each day dancing. Did I mention I did find some things that make me happy? Gloriously happy! Dancing is one of them. Walking/hiking is another. I really enjoy challenging myself and competition too.
So now I’m focused on a project. That project is not holistically physical but more focused on me. It may sound selfish but honestly I’ve spent my entire life trying to make everyone else happy and neglecting myself. So for now, I’m just going to focus holistically on me. Finding myself and the things that make me… me. It’s a wild journey for sure.

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